In the wee small hours of the morning.

It seems like I only blog these days when some one passes.  My friend Seon Nam went home to be with the Lord on day before Thanksgiving.  Seon took his own life in the wee small hours of the morning.  So I dedicate this song by Gerry Mulligan to beloved Seon.

I was reading through some facebook posts tonight and came across a post by SunHi (our pastor's wife).  I know she loved Seon and what she put on her post got me thinking.  She put "Seon would have never guessed how many people were here tonight to show how much he was loved."

I was talking with Lisa earlier about the movie weatherman.  It was a good movie.  The scene that I found so compelling was when they held a "living funeral" for the main character's father who was given 2 month to live.  If Seon could have seen how much impact he had on so many people's lives and recognized how much he was loved, would he have not gone through with that terrible act?  How hopeless must he have felt?  Why didn't we know what he was going through? 

Seon's actions made me think of a great deal of things.  The conclusion that my little mind came up with is that we must NOT hold things to ourselves.  Whether things are good or bad we must share and we MUST keep each other accountable with love. 

The great comfort that I have for Seon is the same comfort that I felt when Peter passed.  Christ is greater than suicide. Christ's great work on the cross is surely greater than any sins that we commit.  I firmly believe that Seon is no longer battling his demons.  I believe that he is resting with Christ.  Because Sean, like Peter professed his faith in the Lord.   

Without a doubt life can be excruciating.  We face battles everyday.  We also succumb to the temptation that we face.  We fall everyday.  But we must live on.  

The great depression produced some of the best writers of America's short history.  Unfortunately great majority of them had a tragic ending of killing themselves.  They say that writers of that era faced such sadness that they carried their sadness throughout their lives and eventually was not able to get through the weight of it all.  One of the writers from that era that did not commit suicide was William Faulkner.  Apparently one of the characters in his many books he wrote was a small character he created that was suppose to be himself .  In the end of this book he had a description of all the characters.  Description of this character that portrayed himself were 3 words.  "He just survived."  

Take heart friends.  We don't have to just survive.  We are to thrive.  We are to be salt and light of the world.  Christ made that possible for us.  No matter how hard it gets, we know the result.  Christ rose again from the dead which means we win.  

So here is little excerpt from the poem Ulysses by Lord Alfred Tennyson that came to mind.




Tho' much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.


       

Remembering Peter

This is a famous song "Va Pensiero/Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves" from the opera Nabucco by none other than Giuseppe Verdi. This is a biblical piece about King Nebuchadnezzar.  This is the song of the Hebrew slaves sang in Babylon.  Its also based on famous Psalms 137.  By the river of Babylon.  I love this song.  My favorite story about this song is that when beloved Verdi died, hundreds and thousands of Italians gathered together and sang this song to honor their great composer.  I could only imagine how moving that might have been. 

This past weekend I might have experienced one of the most beautiful experience in my life.  My friend who passed away was cremated and the ashes were spread in the ocean.  I have never been to a spreading of the ashes before and did not know what it was going to be like.  It was a perfect day.   On the way out to the ocean, dolphins were swimming next to us.  

 pic by Julian

We went about 3 miles into the ocean.  There was a sense of tranquility and peace.  I would say that it was down right spiritual.   As they lowered the basket with his ashes and as the the ashes were in the water, it almost seemed like his spirit was being freed into the ocean.  It was beautiful.

Peter Lee made a tremendous impact in my life. While we were going out into the ocean, me and couple of friends were sharing great memories about Peter.  This ceremony was therapeutic.  Not sure about how you all want to be remembered.  But the last memory I have of Peter will always be this peaceful scene in the ocean on a perfect day.

One fine day

This is Un bel di vedremo (One Fine day) from Puccini's famous opera Madame Butterfly.

I can's sleep.  Today I went to a funeral of my high school buddy.  We were good buddies in high school and drifted apart as some relationships do through time.  When I heard that he passed from brain cancer, my heart hurt.  I haven't seen him for 10 years.....  Even though I heard that he was fighting brain cancer I only hoped for him from afar and was still just busy with my life.  But when I heard that he passed couple of days ago, it struck that I really was good friends with him at one point of my life and I never met his 2 boys.  I was not a part of his life for last 15 plus years...  This saddened me.  And still, it seems like yesterday that I went to the beach with him and goofed around with him.  The photo collage they had up at the service brought back so many memories.  The pictures also showed me glimpses of his life last 15 year.  His beautiful wife and kids.  His deterioration of last year.  How this disease quickly changed his life.   

As I was walking into church I saw some people that I haven't seen for a long time.  I walked in and there were many faces that I started to recognize. 

It was a wonderful service.  Emotional message and I saw many people who were going to miss my friend dearly.  Many tears around me.  Because I have not kept in touch with him I had no idea that he was a saved Christian.  So hearing about his faith I was so relieved and blessed.  It might have been the most Gospel centered funeral that I have ever attended. 

I haven't seen his family for a long time.  As I walked up to see his dad, I saw his sister that I haven't seen for almost 20 years.  Last time I saw her she was a sophomore in high school.  And now she was a beautiful woman that I almost didn't recognize.  His dad saw me smiled and gave me a hug.  He told me about my friend's battle with cancer for last year.  How hard it has been.  I had no words to comfort him.  I just listened.

But the biggest encouragement for me is knowing that he is now with the Lord.  That was the message.  How we were designed to die.  Sooner or later we will all cross that point of life and death.  Time goes by quick.  I cant believe how quick.  But one day when I cross that point, I will see him again.  Perfectly worshiping His glory.

Darrel Herrin.  I will see you again my friend.    Wish you were still here, but I am glad that you are not suffering where you are.  I can't even imagine what you and your family were going through physically and psychologically.  I am sorry that it took this long and for you to leave for me to miss you.  But never the less, I miss you bud.  I look forward to one fine day when we worship the Lord perfectly together. 

So yesterday was Valentines Day....

This is Pavarotti performing Una Furtiva Lagrima for Donizetti's great Opera L'eliser d'amore (Elixir of Love)  In this scene Pavarotti plays Nemorino who is so infatuated with Adina that he buys a "love potion" which was just a cheap wine sold to him by a con artist.  But when he see Adina crying for him and that she actually has fallen in love with him.....  He thinks that the love potion "Elixir of Love" worked.....

Love is such a whimsical thing.  One thing I will tell you that love is not is that lofty feeling you get when you find some one in the beginning of a relationship.  Rather it is a constant growth of a relationship that no longer has that spark in a young couple's eye.  But the constant perseverance of two people that understand how to cope with the other person's many flaws.  I know that my wife loves me because she has dealt with the madness that I bring everyday.

Love changes so much.  I met my wife the day before Valentines day 8 years ago.  She was gracious enough to marry me with all my flaws and all my stupidity.  You can say that God definitely blessed me that day as I fell in love with my wife.  I am no longer as romantic as I tried to be many years ago wooing my wife.  But I can tell you now that I love her more than ever.  I don't think I even knew how to love her before.  Not that I mastered it now, but our love for each other has changed.  Its not raw emotions that it once was where you feel like you can accept the other person for who they are no matter what.  But its having the grace to see beyond your expectations of who they should be ideally.  Its quiet simple.  I am to love my wife as Christ love the church.  But that certainly ain't possible.  I cant even love my wife as I am commanded to...  Learning to love is yet another wonderful road to lean on God.  I believe that good marriage is the ultimate form of sacrifice.  Which btw can lead to the "other" love/sacrifice known as parenthood.  which is also another level of love that cannot truly be explain by words....    

Wifeypoo!  I love you.

I leave you with this.  The most romantic poem I've ever read. 

Sonnet 130 by none other than William Shakespeare.

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red:
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.
I grant I never saw a goddess go:
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare. 

Love is truly blind y'all.  Don't mistake love with that emotional cloud 9 of early part of the relationship. Have the courage to really love.

We live a life full of pain and troubles but....

Buddha once said that life was a ocean of suffering or 고해(苦海).   Meaning that suffering comes in many ways but it is constant.  Some times the water may be calm and slight tides might calmly hit the beach and other times the the waves come crashing in in forms of tsunami completely turning your world upside down.  He also said that life is saṃsāra.  meaning that in life, we continue with endless suffering,  perpetual wandering, and transmigration till we die unless one attain nirvana.  Which mean that one will be freed from greed, hatred, and delusion.  Totally free and selfless....    

I think even in Christian life, it most likely will seem as if our lives tilt toward trouble all the time and that living the Christian life we lean toward life of pain and suffering.  But the difference is that though the trouble we Christians face may seem endless it is Christ who faced the greatest pain for us and faced the ultimate sacrifice for us.  That we go through a life and when we are "suffering" we are being sanctified knowing that we should consider it pure joy because God is showing us how to rely on Him.


So these 2 philosophies are basically opposite in a sense that its either we have complete reliance on ourselves to get "enlightened"  or we depend on God to get "sanctified".  


Now most people like the idea of being self reliant.  Because we like the idea of individualism.  Its also attractive in a way that we rely on ourselves and no one else to be selfless.   This is a great theme in life right?  So why does this not work for me?  


Well it does not work for me because even as a believer in Christ, my human nature always forget His grace and I rely on myself all the time.  This is when the greatest failures of my life happens.  I guess I can rely on myself to be free from the worldly ways. self determination.  Will power!!!!  But I always crack.   

But the greatest reason why I cant go with saṃsāra is because though I face darkness in life, I also have great time of joy and happiness.  Its not constant sorrow.  I have great happiness even if it may be selfish.  And my point is that we always need a helping hand in life. 

 

Just look at these 2.  How can anyone say that life is just a constant sorrow?  The idea that we are always facing trouble seem true when we forget the moments of happiness or focus on our troubles without being thankful.  I guess if one does not believe in a supreme being, they wont have anyone to be thankful to...

The idea that we can be "enlightened" through ourselves is the ultimate selfishness.  It's a matter of motivation.  Are you motivated to serve yourself or are you motivated to serve your maker?  Ironically this is my greatest challenge as a Christian.  I am always motivated to serve myself and forgetting the Lordship that God deserves from me.  Because as one of my favorite quote says "Our hearts are restless unless they rest upon the Lord" 

Relying on Him is the pinnacle of my faith and also my ultimate struggle.  

Aging Passionately

This is great French conductor Georges Prêtre.  He is conducting intemezzo of Mascagni's famous Opera Cavalleria Rusticana.  Just look at his passion and love for his art.....


37?  Are you kidding me?  Well its true.  I feel great.  But I am getting older.  I am at a age now where most of the professional athletes have already retired from their sport. I have 3 main wishes this year. 

1.  I hope this year I get closer to the Lord.
2.  I hope that I am a better husband to Lisa and a better father to Desmond.
3.  I hope that I have passion on all things that I do and do it to the fullest.

I joke about being old but fact of the matter is that I am not that old.  There are still professional athletes my age and even older.  Though I am not the spring chicken that I was, I am still capable of doing many many things.  But aging is inevitable.  When asked about aging, an aging super model Paulina Porizkova replied that aging was a privilege.  Which was a great wisdom that I did not expect to hear from a former super model.  But truly aging is a privilege.  As I age, I hope I have passion and love for all things that I do.  Like the great Georges Prêtre.  Click on the video.  Its somethin' else.

Grace of THE father.

My favorite opera is Verdi's La Traviata.  My favorite song from the opera is "di Provenza il mar il suol" I love this performance of this song my Sherill Milnes.  This song is basically an old father (Germont) urging his son to come home to the beautiful Provence by the sea where he grew up.  To leave his crazy life he made for himself and return to his family who are waiting for him....   But Alfredo does not return and instead goes on to some place he shouldn't.  Just like all the great operas, La Traviata ends tragically....  Alfredo's lover tragically dies and even old Germont is crying out "my daughter!" as both father and son are torn to pieces in sadness.  I will get back to this shortly.

Desmond Started his new preschool Jesus Hand Montessori school.  It didnt work out for Des at CPC preschool because...  Well it just didn't.  But it was a great thing that it didnt workout.  Because now he will be with more hands on teaching and CPC couldn't handle him at this time.   Everyday Desmond gets bigger and bigger, and little by little he is becoming little bit more defiant.  he must have his mother's personality...  haha.  Though we loved the fact that Desmond was at CPC, God truly had a better school for him and I remain thankful as ever. 

So now that I have a long commute to work, it gives me an hour in the morning to think about great deal of things and also listen to music for a longer period of time.  I've been listening to a lot of classical music which helps me to relax the mind before I head into work.  I've been working hard and trying to make the best of the opportunities that I have been dealt.  Of course, I just want things to happen easily.  But it ain't easy.  God forces me to rely on Him.  Which is great but really difficult at the same time.  Good news for me is that I am starting to understand my new job and I am really appreciating it.

One of main themes of my thoughts these days is my defiance and just complete lack of trust in God.  I havent really shared about this to anyone.  Ever since started my new job, I've had mini panic attacks.  Everytime I panic I also know that I am not trusting that God will take care of me.  So knowing this I felt like God is tugging at me to rest upon Him.  But how can my feeble mind accept such comfort?  God is telling me to comeback to Provence by the sea.  Where He wants to give me peace in Him.  But I am usually like Alfredo in La Traviata.  I defy His calling and get sucked into my own myopic selfish life.  In my theological side of  mind, I don't want to be the way I am.  In fact its illogical. 

Of course I know that my life will not turn out to be a tragic opera.  How can it?  God watches over me.  No matter what happens, in the end I will win. So why do I have such a hard time with this truth?  Why do I always fall into this weak sauce behavior of wanting worldly comfort instead of comfort in God?  God is so gracious to me and yet I ALWAYS fall short of His wonderful grace.  I should just be grateful that I am in His grace.  Which I am, but oh my humainty...  My sinful desires of comfort disable me.  

Sometime God's grace is truly too wonderful for me to even accept let alone understand.  But I am truly thankful for it. Even if I cant understand why He chose to show me grace.  God is constantly wanting to take me to "Provence il Mar il suol".  When will I just follow Him there instead of being so damn defiant???? 


Sanctification is a LOOOOOOOOOOONG process.  Some of us need God to intervene sooner than later. 

It has been a long time since I have blogged.. 

So last time I blogged I was 3 years into the marriage and no child...   Now I am a proud dad of Desmond Lee.  A real lovable handsome child that Lisa and I do not deserve. 

He is 3 years old and needless to say he is the joy of my life.  Lisa and I have gone through so much last 3 years.  Joy, pain and everything in between.  Its not easy raising a child.

So now that I am in middle of my late 30s, I can truly say that I am exactly where I need to be.  I had no idea what 30s were going to bring, but it has been a ride. 
  
I have a "real" marriage with my wife and she is still the same fire cracker that I married so happily over 6 years ago.  Recently I realized that our public display of affection (our fights....) might make people feel uncomfortable.  Oh yeah we fight in public at times.  Some people that might not know us very well might think that our marriage is crazy but honestly speaking, it ain't anything different than any other couples.  We just choose to show our sinful nature more freely.  hahaha,

I've been doing some soul searching lately.  I have a new job and it forced me to do some thinking about sovereignty of God.  What does my new job have to do with sovereignty of God you ask?  EVERYTHING.  I came to realize that I only think about these types of things when I feel vulnerable.  I was going through a manic mannerism at my old work and I had to change.  What is manic mannerism you ask?  I was deeply and almost crazily going through the the motion at work and found no meaning nor joy of life and I jumped ship.  So back to sovereignty of God.  I was so eager to do well at my new job for the glory of being successful.  I was going to be successful at my new job and show the idiotic people of my last job what they lost.  Because they were just awful.  But the fact of the matter was the ramp up period was taking so long that I was now wondering, "Did I make the right move?"  No matter what I was doing, it was not working....   So I fell into this deep vulnerable place in my life.  So of course I went running to God.  Yes its true. I am a fickle minded fool and I was reaching out to God yet again in the time of need. How typical.  But I write this not to be so hard on myself, but to share that God is great.  Every time I act like a jackass, God is there to humble me.  He is a sovereign God and he love me too much to just let me be my sinful self without reminding me of my short comings. 

Some of the things I realized lately is that I am as much of a sinner as I have always been.  God truly has shown me grace.  I have not been the husband that I need to be or a father that I could be.  I truly struggle with selfishness.  But God has placed my wife and my child in my life to show me that.  I know that I was so lucky to find my new opportunity at my new job.  But because of the fact I got a new position and I have the opportunity be successful, I kind let go out of control in my mind.  So what was my lesson?  I can do nothing by myself.  My greatest achievement in my life is purely the fact that God chose me.  I have no great achievement without God.

What can I say.  I am blessed man.  I have a wonderful and spicy wife and a son that I cannot imagine being better.  I have God that humbles me when I need to be humbled.  I am loved.