I love my wife. I dont love musicals.

I can appreciate the talented singing and the effort they put on of the huge production. Its pretty intense. But I truly dislike musicals. Its not only because musicals are cheap ripoffs of the opera.... Last night to celebrate my wife birthday Lisa demanded that we go see Wicked. I have always told Lisa of my disdain for musicals. So it took a hurculean effort for me to be motivated to go. To quote the musical giant Meatloaf, I always said "I will do anything for love. But I just won't do that(musicals)." For 8 yrs that I have been with Lisa I stood firm on this stance. As I was sitting there at Segerstrom looking around at people who were SUPER excited to see the production, I felt little uneasy. Once again I was really annoyed watching this musical and I will tell you why.

Before I tell you why I dislike musicals I will tell you that I can see why people loved Wicked. The anti hero that was misunderstood. It defines the thespian types that probably always felt misunderstood. But as much as I wanted enjoy this, I was truly happy when it was over. The number one reason why truly dislike musicals? Those crazies that's seen the same production 6 times and they laugh at jokes before the punchline. They anticipate the actor to tell the joke or when a funny moment is coming up, they laugh out loud little bit louder letting you know that they have seen this before. They are showing off their broadway supremacy. Then there are those that sing along. But the worst was when I saw and heard some one lip syncing. How did I hear the lip syncing you ax? Because as they are moving their mouth I can hear the whisper that comes out as they act out the scene. If purgatory existed, that would be it for me. Surrounded by the miserably happy musical lovers reenacting there favorite scene from Cats. Full grown adults in feline suits prentending to be cats and lip syncing to memories....

But even this reminded me of the sacrificial love that Christ bestowed upon us sinners. I am sure as Christ sees us for the sinners that we are, its thousand times worse than how I see those who embrace that sinful show Glee. They refer to themselves as "gleeks". So last night I did my version of sacrificial love. I went against my vow of never watching a musical again and watched Wicked. But so much greater is Christ who died for all the gleeks no matter how infinitely detestable we are. Obviously me sitting through Wicked is not even a comparison of Christ's work on the cross. Baby steps. All I am saying is that I still suffered.... Its my version of suffering for love. You can see how great God's love is. There I was complaining sitting through a musical... Jesus actually gladly died for us.

 For those who are fans of musicals and feel offended by what I wrote here don't be. Its just how lame I am as a sinner.

Perfection

Beethoven's 9th might be the greatest piece of music ever written.  I love classical music.  I love many composers.  But as "played out" as 9th might be, to me there is nothing better.  Beethoven is so much more grand than any other composers.  Its incredible.  Its perfect.  

There are extraordinary moments in life where you come across an unbelievable experience.  You taste something and it is so good that you reach a pinnacle of what this world has to offer. 

Recently I had a beer that was so good, I didn't know if I can ever have better beer.  If you have ever had Pliny the Elder, you might know what I am talking about.  It so hard to find that beer that when I actually found it at a liquor store, I wanted buy all of it.  But any place that sells this beer, they only allow you to buy one bottle at a time.  Its a crime.

Then again... Maybe its a good thing.  You won't appreciate it as much if its plentiful.

As blasphemous as it might be to describe heaven with this man made beer, that is what exactly  I thought about as I was drinking this wonderfully tasty beer. 

Most of the great things in life has a limit.  Its like any great things or experience I've had.

There is a pinot noir that I once had that was so good. It was a French Burgundy made by some monks in the early 90s. I will never find it again.  At that moment I had no idea that
I will never have it again.  So I keep drinking other Pinots to match that experience.  Sometimes it comes close.  May be my pallet has become more sophisticated and may be if I had an opportunity to drink that wine again it wont be as good.  But like a coke addict, I keep searching for that experience every time I drink Pinot.

I was talkin about this with my boy Jongmin.  Having something so good can only be achieved by experiencing lots of other examples that are not that good.  Have you ever experienced perfection?  How would you know what perfection was without experiencing imperfection?  Once in a while I achieve perfect cup of coffee.  Many different things that are out of my control has to happen in order for this coffee to happen.  When it happens, for that moment nothing else matters.  But this does not mean that I can ever produce that exact cup of coffee all the time.  Even if it is the same beans....  Because coffee bean is seasonal, every year it changes a bit.  How it is roasted might not be the same...  you get the point.

The scary thing is how companies like Starbucks and McDonald's can produce the same consistent taste every time and everywhere.....  So this can only mean one of 2 things.  Its either genetically engineered like micky-d's or in the case of Starbucks the beans are so cheap and plentiful they cannot help but to produce the same taste. 

Do you remember the first time you had Krispy Kreme donuts?  It was incredible right?  But what happened over time?  Its never the same as your first couple of times right?  

So going back to the heaven thing....  May be if Pliny the Elder was plentiful it will become another Krispy Kreme.  I don't know.  But what is just too wonderful for me to understand is concept of heaven.  Perfection that keeps its definition forever.  All things will be at a optimal level of perfection all the time.  Perfect righteousness.  Not only is this something that I cannot understand, its almost scary.  Its because I cannot imagine absolute perfection all the time due to the fact I am so imperfect.  I cant imagine how I would react to something like that.  One day it will happen.  One day it will be better than having Pliny with a perfect slice of pizza that I once had in New Haven Connecticut.  One day I will feel more elated than that incredible moment when Kirk Gibson hit a home run in the 9th inning in the World Series.  

In fact it will be better than all the incredible experiences I've had all put together.  Till then, I will go on with my life.  Hopefully experiencing many great moments looking ahead to greater things to come.    

In the wee small hours of the morning.

It seems like I only blog these days when some one passes.  My friend Seon Nam went home to be with the Lord on day before Thanksgiving.  Seon took his own life in the wee small hours of the morning.  So I dedicate this song by Gerry Mulligan to beloved Seon.

I was reading through some facebook posts tonight and came across a post by SunHi (our pastor's wife).  I know she loved Seon and what she put on her post got me thinking.  She put "Seon would have never guessed how many people were here tonight to show how much he was loved."

I was talking with Lisa earlier about the movie weatherman.  It was a good movie.  The scene that I found so compelling was when they held a "living funeral" for the main character's father who was given 2 month to live.  If Seon could have seen how much impact he had on so many people's lives and recognized how much he was loved, would he have not gone through with that terrible act?  How hopeless must he have felt?  Why didn't we know what he was going through? 

Seon's actions made me think of a great deal of things.  The conclusion that my little mind came up with is that we must NOT hold things to ourselves.  Whether things are good or bad we must share and we MUST keep each other accountable with love. 

The great comfort that I have for Seon is the same comfort that I felt when Peter passed.  Christ is greater than suicide. Christ's great work on the cross is surely greater than any sins that we commit.  I firmly believe that Seon is no longer battling his demons.  I believe that he is resting with Christ.  Because Sean, like Peter professed his faith in the Lord.   

Without a doubt life can be excruciating.  We face battles everyday.  We also succumb to the temptation that we face.  We fall everyday.  But we must live on.  

The great depression produced some of the best writers of America's short history.  Unfortunately great majority of them had a tragic ending of killing themselves.  They say that writers of that era faced such sadness that they carried their sadness throughout their lives and eventually was not able to get through the weight of it all.  One of the writers from that era that did not commit suicide was William Faulkner.  Apparently one of the characters in his many books he wrote was a small character he created that was suppose to be himself .  In the end of this book he had a description of all the characters.  Description of this character that portrayed himself were 3 words.  "He just survived."  

Take heart friends.  We don't have to just survive.  We are to thrive.  We are to be salt and light of the world.  Christ made that possible for us.  No matter how hard it gets, we know the result.  Christ rose again from the dead which means we win.  

So here is little excerpt from the poem Ulysses by Lord Alfred Tennyson that came to mind.




Tho' much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.


       

Remembering Peter

This is a famous song "Va Pensiero/Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves" from the opera Nabucco by none other than Giuseppe Verdi. This is a biblical piece about King Nebuchadnezzar.  This is the song of the Hebrew slaves sang in Babylon.  Its also based on famous Psalms 137.  By the river of Babylon.  I love this song.  My favorite story about this song is that when beloved Verdi died, hundreds and thousands of Italians gathered together and sang this song to honor their great composer.  I could only imagine how moving that might have been. 

This past weekend I might have experienced one of the most beautiful experience in my life.  My friend who passed away was cremated and the ashes were spread in the ocean.  I have never been to a spreading of the ashes before and did not know what it was going to be like.  It was a perfect day.   On the way out to the ocean, dolphins were swimming next to us.  

 pic by Julian

We went about 3 miles into the ocean.  There was a sense of tranquility and peace.  I would say that it was down right spiritual.   As they lowered the basket with his ashes and as the the ashes were in the water, it almost seemed like his spirit was being freed into the ocean.  It was beautiful.

Peter Lee made a tremendous impact in my life. While we were going out into the ocean, me and couple of friends were sharing great memories about Peter.  This ceremony was therapeutic.  Not sure about how you all want to be remembered.  But the last memory I have of Peter will always be this peaceful scene in the ocean on a perfect day.

One fine day

This is Un bel di vedremo (One Fine day) from Puccini's famous opera Madame Butterfly.

I can's sleep.  Today I went to a funeral of my high school buddy.  We were good buddies in high school and drifted apart as some relationships do through time.  When I heard that he passed from brain cancer, my heart hurt.  I haven't seen him for 10 years.....  Even though I heard that he was fighting brain cancer I only hoped for him from afar and was still just busy with my life.  But when I heard that he passed couple of days ago, it struck that I really was good friends with him at one point of my life and I never met his 2 boys.  I was not a part of his life for last 15 plus years...  This saddened me.  And still, it seems like yesterday that I went to the beach with him and goofed around with him.  The photo collage they had up at the service brought back so many memories.  The pictures also showed me glimpses of his life last 15 year.  His beautiful wife and kids.  His deterioration of last year.  How this disease quickly changed his life.   

As I was walking into church I saw some people that I haven't seen for a long time.  I walked in and there were many faces that I started to recognize. 

It was a wonderful service.  Emotional message and I saw many people who were going to miss my friend dearly.  Many tears around me.  Because I have not kept in touch with him I had no idea that he was a saved Christian.  So hearing about his faith I was so relieved and blessed.  It might have been the most Gospel centered funeral that I have ever attended. 

I haven't seen his family for a long time.  As I walked up to see his dad, I saw his sister that I haven't seen for almost 20 years.  Last time I saw her she was a sophomore in high school.  And now she was a beautiful woman that I almost didn't recognize.  His dad saw me smiled and gave me a hug.  He told me about my friend's battle with cancer for last year.  How hard it has been.  I had no words to comfort him.  I just listened.

But the biggest encouragement for me is knowing that he is now with the Lord.  That was the message.  How we were designed to die.  Sooner or later we will all cross that point of life and death.  Time goes by quick.  I cant believe how quick.  But one day when I cross that point, I will see him again.  Perfectly worshiping His glory.

Darrel Herrin.  I will see you again my friend.    Wish you were still here, but I am glad that you are not suffering where you are.  I can't even imagine what you and your family were going through physically and psychologically.  I am sorry that it took this long and for you to leave for me to miss you.  But never the less, I miss you bud.  I look forward to one fine day when we worship the Lord perfectly together. 

So yesterday was Valentines Day....

This is Pavarotti performing Una Furtiva Lagrima for Donizetti's great Opera L'eliser d'amore (Elixir of Love)  In this scene Pavarotti plays Nemorino who is so infatuated with Adina that he buys a "love potion" which was just a cheap wine sold to him by a con artist.  But when he see Adina crying for him and that she actually has fallen in love with him.....  He thinks that the love potion "Elixir of Love" worked.....

Love is such a whimsical thing.  One thing I will tell you that love is not is that lofty feeling you get when you find some one in the beginning of a relationship.  Rather it is a constant growth of a relationship that no longer has that spark in a young couple's eye.  But the constant perseverance of two people that understand how to cope with the other person's many flaws.  I know that my wife loves me because she has dealt with the madness that I bring everyday.

Love changes so much.  I met my wife the day before Valentines day 8 years ago.  She was gracious enough to marry me with all my flaws and all my stupidity.  You can say that God definitely blessed me that day as I fell in love with my wife.  I am no longer as romantic as I tried to be many years ago wooing my wife.  But I can tell you now that I love her more than ever.  I don't think I even knew how to love her before.  Not that I mastered it now, but our love for each other has changed.  Its not raw emotions that it once was where you feel like you can accept the other person for who they are no matter what.  But its having the grace to see beyond your expectations of who they should be ideally.  Its quiet simple.  I am to love my wife as Christ love the church.  But that certainly ain't possible.  I cant even love my wife as I am commanded to...  Learning to love is yet another wonderful road to lean on God.  I believe that good marriage is the ultimate form of sacrifice.  Which btw can lead to the "other" love/sacrifice known as parenthood.  which is also another level of love that cannot truly be explain by words....    

Wifeypoo!  I love you.

I leave you with this.  The most romantic poem I've ever read. 

Sonnet 130 by none other than William Shakespeare.

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red:
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.
I grant I never saw a goddess go:
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare. 

Love is truly blind y'all.  Don't mistake love with that emotional cloud 9 of early part of the relationship. Have the courage to really love.

We live a life full of pain and troubles but....

Buddha once said that life was a ocean of suffering or 고해(苦海).   Meaning that suffering comes in many ways but it is constant.  Some times the water may be calm and slight tides might calmly hit the beach and other times the the waves come crashing in in forms of tsunami completely turning your world upside down.  He also said that life is saṃsāra.  meaning that in life, we continue with endless suffering,  perpetual wandering, and transmigration till we die unless one attain nirvana.  Which mean that one will be freed from greed, hatred, and delusion.  Totally free and selfless....    

I think even in Christian life, it most likely will seem as if our lives tilt toward trouble all the time and that living the Christian life we lean toward life of pain and suffering.  But the difference is that though the trouble we Christians face may seem endless it is Christ who faced the greatest pain for us and faced the ultimate sacrifice for us.  That we go through a life and when we are "suffering" we are being sanctified knowing that we should consider it pure joy because God is showing us how to rely on Him.


So these 2 philosophies are basically opposite in a sense that its either we have complete reliance on ourselves to get "enlightened"  or we depend on God to get "sanctified".  


Now most people like the idea of being self reliant.  Because we like the idea of individualism.  Its also attractive in a way that we rely on ourselves and no one else to be selfless.   This is a great theme in life right?  So why does this not work for me?  


Well it does not work for me because even as a believer in Christ, my human nature always forget His grace and I rely on myself all the time.  This is when the greatest failures of my life happens.  I guess I can rely on myself to be free from the worldly ways. self determination.  Will power!!!!  But I always crack.   

But the greatest reason why I cant go with saṃsāra is because though I face darkness in life, I also have great time of joy and happiness.  Its not constant sorrow.  I have great happiness even if it may be selfish.  And my point is that we always need a helping hand in life. 

 

Just look at these 2.  How can anyone say that life is just a constant sorrow?  The idea that we are always facing trouble seem true when we forget the moments of happiness or focus on our troubles without being thankful.  I guess if one does not believe in a supreme being, they wont have anyone to be thankful to...

The idea that we can be "enlightened" through ourselves is the ultimate selfishness.  It's a matter of motivation.  Are you motivated to serve yourself or are you motivated to serve your maker?  Ironically this is my greatest challenge as a Christian.  I am always motivated to serve myself and forgetting the Lordship that God deserves from me.  Because as one of my favorite quote says "Our hearts are restless unless they rest upon the Lord" 

Relying on Him is the pinnacle of my faith and also my ultimate struggle.